I am struggling. My heart yearns for companionship, and I have so very much the opposite. I had it all. I lost it all. I tried again with someone new. It didn't work out. I just didn't feel it. I went back to her, and I got hurt again. I want to feel it again so very bad, with a special someone. I have no idea who she is or will be, but she feels so very, very far away. In my current condition, I feel as though making new friends this summer and next year will be very hard. I am depressed, and my faith is going through a minor rough patch. My trust that God loves me enough to bless me with good friends and with the right kind of gal is weaker than it was not too long ago. These last two weeks have just been rather tough on my faith and trust. Even as I recognize these thoughts and how painful they are at present, I do know that they are temporary and wont last long. It may be a symptom of the great academic stress that I am feeling at the tail-end of a very tough semester. But that doesn't take away the hurt of the moment.
All I've ever wanted to be is a man of God. I've wanted to be the man who radiates the Spirit nearly always, whose discipleship runs deep in both mind and deed. I've wanted to be one of the compassionate, friendly, caring, invigorating, generous, and a-thousand-other-Christlike-attributes men that you see out there in the world. They are out there, and they are sure wonderful. I've wanted to be my version of that for a long, long time. I have been held back by the cunning of the adversary more than I could have ever imagined. Until this past year, I didn't realize nearly as well as I do now how good of a grip he had on me, and how much life he was strangling out of me constantly. Sure, I would receive life, light and truth from my Heavenly Father as I would seek him, but it would be built up only to be torn down by the master of misery. Again and again, I was making progress, yes, but so much slower than I could have had I not had him dragging me back down with his chains of choice again and again, every time I would get up.
It is what it is. God has brought me into the light of what my dilemma is, and for that I am very grateful. He has shown me the way out of the corner I've painted myself into, and for that I am very grateful. I wish it had come sooner, but I am so glad that it came, period. I am not where I thought I would be by now, nor am I who I would be by now. I am not the valiant returned missionary who, after serving the most spirit-charged mission ever, married within a couple of years after coming home and is starting a beautiful family while performing most excellently in my schooling, my callings, and my role as the world's best husband. I'm not that. For now, anyway. I can't take back the shortcomings I've made in my coursework, but I can sure perform admirably in my callings and still become that world's best husband someday (when I say world's best, I'm not being literal, just figurative).
I am happy that I decided to write this out. I just barely looked up an old friend of mine Stan that I knew right after my mission. He was like 26 or 27 and hadn't married yet, but he was positive, upbeat, and a good, humble man. He married within the last year to a beautiful gal and they look most happy together. I know that I can have a similar story. I am determined to do my all to have that happen. I will find a girl that will be the girl of my dreams. I will be able to live a happy life in the gospel both before and after knowing her and being married to her. This year already I've lived more happiness than I have in the first four months of any year ever! I've lived a good amount of sadness, too, but happiness has won out, I do believe! For now my focus is working hard to finish the semester up to the best of my abilities while striving to make a true connection to God each and every day.
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